The Texts I Never Sent You

Monday, May 09, 2016

Forever out of focus.

have debated writing this post, so many times now, I have written it out and deleted it more times than I can count. So the thing is after someone very close to me left my life I kept going to talk to them, say things I know from experience I shouldn't so I started typing all the texts and wanted to send out on the notes section of my phone. This is the result of a couple of months of trying not to talk to someone I used to talk to every day.

10th March:

I miss you

Can I talk to you?

I love you, I don't think I will ever stop

Why?

11th March:

Good morning

I just want to cuddle with you and escape this life

I wish you were still someone I could talk to about everything, I don't have anyone like that anymore and that scares me

Come back?

12th March:

I missed your face this morning, I wanted to make breakfast with you and watch anime

I decided to get some professional help today, hope you are doing okay.

Why?! God damn it why?! I can't do this, it's killing me, please talk to me, please come back

17th March:

This isn't okay, I should have fought and I know that I should've fought for you for us because God damn it I miss you. I would do anything to have you back right now, I know you won't take me but I need you. I love you. I really hope you remember that because I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Sorry.

20th March:

I think I lied the other night when we spoke on the phone. I'm not sure I will ask you to consider. Maybe, the only thing I know is I miss having a friend who would do anything for me, who would look after me at my worst and at my best. I miss being able to be there for you when you hit rock bottom or when you are on a high. So I guess thank you for all of that.

7th April:

How are you?

18th April:

I thought I was done grieving over what we lost, and looking forward to friendship and everything else. But I'm not sure I am, you're still always there in the back of my mind, you're the one I want to talk to if I feel down. I miss the way you used to hold me until I was okay again, the way we could talk for hours or feel comfortable not talking at all in the same room. A friend of ours asked me if I was over you if I was talking to anyone else yet if I was okay. My answers were yes, no, yes respectively. Every 'yes' was a lie.

19th April:

I miss talking to you.

21st April:

Last night was strange and I want to tell you about it, it was one of this best nights I have had in a while. And everything in me is telling me what I did was wrong, that I am cheating on you by kissing someone else, but I look at the reality and I'm not. I probably shouldn't tell you this but I think I will be okay without you. So what if he wasn't my type... So what if he wasn't the best-looking guy there, it was the confidence boost I needed to prove that I can move on from needing to talk to you. And finally, I think I am over this grief.

Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than the loss of you, stronger than you want me to be, that I can do me without your validation of my actions. I'm sorry but I no longer think I'm in love with you.

23rd April:

And what if I told you I lied. What if I told you I still love you. Would it change things?

24th April:

I miss you, I miss everything about us, and I hate this, I hate that we wanted different things from ourselves. There is nothing I can do but scream 'what if' after 'what if' from the top of my lungs into my unflinching pillow before I sleep at night.

26th April:

Today I saw your name light up my phone, and everything in me is willing me not to fucking ring you. Cause God damn it I wish it didn't hurt that you don't reply when I ask how you are, I wish I could forget everything that happened between us, and I wish I could hate you but I fucking can't.

Please pick up.

9th May:

Thank you.

*disclaimer, texts have been edited to create this post, and some texts are missing due to the use of the person's name or reference to personal details I do not wish to discuss*