The English Mademoiselle Diaries: personal

Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

Forever out of focus.

have debated writing this post, so many times now, I have written it out and deleted it more times than I can count. So the thing is after someone very close to me left my life I kept going to talk to them, say things I know from experience I shouldn't so I started typing all the texts and wanted to send out on the notes section of my phone. This is the result of a couple of months of trying not to talk to someone I used to talk to every day.

10th March:

I miss you

Can I talk to you?

I love you, I don't think I will ever stop

Why?

11th March:

Good morning

I just want to cuddle with you and escape this life

I wish you were still someone I could talk to about everything, I don't have anyone like that anymore and that scares me

Come back?

12th March:

I missed your face this morning, I wanted to make breakfast with you and watch anime

I decided to get some professional help today, hope you are doing okay.

Why?! God damn it why?! I can't do this, it's killing me, please talk to me, please come back

17th March:

This isn't okay, I should have fought and I know that I should've fought for you for us because God damn it I miss you. I would do anything to have you back right now, I know you won't take me but I need you. I love you. I really hope you remember that because I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Sorry.

20th March:

I think I lied the other night when we spoke on the phone. I'm not sure I will ask you to consider. Maybe, the only thing I know is I miss having a friend who would do anything for me, who would look after me at my worst and at my best. I miss being able to be there for you when you hit rock bottom or when you are on a high. So I guess thank you for all of that.

7th April:

How are you?

18th April:

I thought I was done grieving over what we lost, and looking forward to friendship and everything else. But I'm not sure I am, you're still always there in the back of my mind, you're the one I want to talk to if I feel down. I miss the way you used to hold me until I was okay again, the way we could talk for hours or feel comfortable not talking at all in the same room. A friend of ours asked me if I was over you if I was talking to anyone else yet if I was okay. My answers were yes, no, yes respectively. Every 'yes' was a lie.

19th April:

I miss talking to you.

21st April:

Last night was strange and I want to tell you about it, it was one of this best nights I have had in a while. And everything in me is telling me what I did was wrong, that I am cheating on you by kissing someone else, but I look at the reality and I'm not. I probably shouldn't tell you this but I think I will be okay without you. So what if he wasn't my type... So what if he wasn't the best-looking guy there, it was the confidence boost I needed to prove that I can move on from needing to talk to you. And finally, I think I am over this grief.

Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger than the loss of you, stronger than you want me to be, that I can do me without your validation of my actions. I'm sorry but I no longer think I'm in love with you.

23rd April:

And what if I told you I lied. What if I told you I still love you. Would it change things?

24th April:

I miss you, I miss everything about us, and I hate this, I hate that we wanted different things from ourselves. There is nothing I can do but scream 'what if' after 'what if' from the top of my lungs into my unflinching pillow before I sleep at night.

26th April:

Today I saw your name light up my phone, and everything in me is willing me not to fucking ring you. Cause God damn it I wish it didn't hurt that you don't reply when I ask how you are, I wish I could forget everything that happened between us, and I wish I could hate you but I fucking can't.

Please pick up.

9th May:

Thank you.

*disclaimer, texts have been edited to create this post, and some texts are missing due to the use of the person's name or reference to personal details I do not wish to discuss*

With so much going on in my life right now I'm struggling to find the space to just breathe.

In, out, in, out, in, out

And even when I do catch some time it is like watching time fall through my fingers like the way the sea moves past my body as I walk out into the surf. Where do you begin to look for the space to breathe?

I've found it in strange places: the utility room, on the swings, talking to the loveliest homeless woman on the way home from work, while sat drinking flat whites and green tea, just inside the front door. All of these places aren't new to me, they just happen to be the places I find the most peace. Where nothing reminds me of him, where I can breathe freely for a moment before my brain begins to start again.

XO, Miriam

There is so much I want to do right now, there are so many things I'm looking forward to doing. But there are also parts of me that don't want to do those things because if I do I leave things behind. Things I love, people I love and lost, memories I don't want to give up.

*listens to Audrey Hepburn sing Moonriver*

The thing is moving forward when there is so much to let go of is hard, harder than I expected. It means asking for help in unlikely places, and from unlikely people. It means cutting off, burning bridges, and not turning back. For me I know I need to move forward, and not once consider the alternative future that could've been.

*lets housemate into the house*

The problem with losing someone you care about is that you need to find you again. A you that doesn't co-exist alongside their values all the time any more, a you that stands alone to face the world and everything in it. A you that is the truest for of yourself in that moment.

Moving forward is as scary as it is freeing, as exciting as it is painful. Cause damn this will be hard, but I'm going to do my best.

XO, Miriam

This wasn't the post I wanted to write today, but I have so many thoughts, ideas and feelings about what is going on with local media right now, about Essena O'Neill (someone I have followed for a while now) 'quitting social media', about what real life is, about finding a balance. I don't even know what to do with my thoughts right now, I have pages and pages worth of thoughts running through my head enough to fill my entire journal. I am going back to a piece I wrote a while back in pen on paper about how the internet and social media is killing our creativity, how we can only be creative in one way.

I'm a blogger of sorts, I love creating the stuff I do on this blog, I enjoy editing, I don't really mind about how many page views it gets, I do it for enjoyment, to document what I am doing at the time, my travels, what I wear, what I have read, what I think. yes there are times when I can be consumed by the numbers, but then I just take a break I read a book, turn off my phone, hang out with my friend, drink some tea, workout, meditate, go on a walk, make some food, just stay away from social media and the numbers for a while. That is what I would call balance, there are times when social media can get too much, but there are also times when it does what is says it will can connects me with likeminded people.

Yes Essena's reaction is extreme but it is what is right for her, if something makes you unhappy then remove it from your life and for her that was social media and the pressure she was under. i also think that she has gone a little far in that she seems to be tarnishing a lot of people of social media with the same brush. I doubt she means to but it is unfair on those she made connections with outside of social media, as well as everyone else who uses it for inspirational, creative and communicative purposes. But like i said earlier she need do what suit her, I know that sometimes I need a break, hers just happens to be public and incomplete. What she is doing has started a global conversation about the importance of social media and the damaging effects it can have on peoples mental health and wellbeing, and for that I am grateful.

The way I see it as you either see that social media is used as an advertising tool as well as being somewhere to create, or you don't realise how 'fake' it all is. Of course social media isn't real life and sometimes it can feel like that, but it isn't there is some much more to life that social media. If you spend most of your time on social media then you might want to question how you are living your life, but for some people it can be a way to connect with people who they would never have had the chance to engage with. I have made friends, found a better way of living, joined communities and created something I am proud of through social media.

I definitely will be writing more on this topic, once have done some more reading and looked at some the resources Essena has put up on her new site (here) about creativity and what really goes into that insta-worthy life.

As with everything, too much of it can be bad for you. It is all about balance.

XO, Miriam

P.S. I hope this made some sense.

Source

So you may have noticed i haven't been around these parts lately. There are so many reasons for this the main one being a lack of wifi in my new student house, but also other reasons. Reasons that i could talk about for ever because of how much I love that they are dragging me away from the life I live online. Because let's be honest there is so much more to my life than this blog, as much as I love and as much as it is bringing me fantastic opportunities right now.

So here is that long list of reasons why I haven't been updating this space as much as I really want to:

Starting my second year of university, boy has this been hectic, getting my head around my new timetable and the massive increase in work and reading. Let alone coping with all the stresses of having forgotten a bunch of stuff from last year.
Having a part-time job and learning a whole load of new things there the coolest of which is that I can now make coffee, like proper coffee with foamy milk and all that jazz.
Spending a hella amount of time with my housemates and all the other friends I haven't seen since last semester. And watching a lot of films and E4 as a result.
And most importantly I am just living in the now, I have been travelling around doing the things I really want to do, watching rugby, seeing music acts, and just being me.

I really hope I get back into the swing of blogging again over the next week or so as I share some of my most recent travels, outfits and recipes.

XO, Miriam

Here are a few unfinished and some finished pages of my journal from the last few days of 2014, they are mainly just drawings and sketches but there are also declarations of love and sad words. As I write this I am sat with MTV Rocks on in the background with a whole bunch of my favourite songs coming on, that is my idea of success... I think maybe just maybe I am going to continue this journal thing in 2015. I left last year with a kiss and I entered 2015 the same way, I pour a lot of myself into the page of the journals I have kept, in ink or layers of pencil and whatever else I have to hand. Sometimes the pages are hopeful and other times they are melancholy.

XO, Miriam